he's been wondering what is going on.. inside, deep down. he proclaimed his love and willingness to commit and then everything seemed to fall apart. maybe it's because of his past and has nothing to do with her. it seems to him to be a one way street... like a telepathic version of twitter, only she hears him and he knows nothing of her and what she sends him. it's not something he consciously chose but you can understand that he may feel a little vulnerable because, he doesn't believe everything that goes through his own head.
so he has his doubts that she is still there... maybe it's all a fraud, just meant to lure him in, like a fish on a hook. he certainly hopes that she is sincere as his gut tells him she is... but can she handle him? can he handle her? why does these relationships have to be so complicated? is it not enough that he has already pledged his allegiance to her? 'we are starlight' came from a deep place. down inside his gut, a voice that for him always speaks the truth... he's waited so long that to rush into something he doesn't understand yet would be foolish to him.
he carries his scars, in mind and body and spirit. the healing comes and he feels whole again. so blessedly whole again. it was really unexpected, that his prayers would be answered, it's been a long way home. from despair to hope, from wishing to die to wanting to live, from aloneness to being ok with lonely...
does she really see his heart? all shredded and torn apart, now patched and sewn back together again by a hand that was not his but hers and everyone else who lets the messiness be.
he just wants her to know that he's still here, and will continue to let the light shine out.. like starlight shining so bright, that the darkness is cast away as if it never existed.
love you
Sunday, January 31, 2010
full moon blahs
so now i figured out my moodiness
it's the full moon again
i always get a little emotional just before and during the full moon
it's my cycle
and yes ladies, men do have their cycle too
so either i'm an angry bear
or a blubbering idiot
today the idiot showed up
it's the full moon again
i always get a little emotional just before and during the full moon
it's my cycle
and yes ladies, men do have their cycle too
so either i'm an angry bear
or a blubbering idiot
today the idiot showed up
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
what? where? when?
this is to bring you up to speed on where i am coming from, what i've been doing and when am i going to move on... maybe this sounds a little cryptic, oh well it's my blog!
so i'm coming from some place... that past scenario that sometimes keeps popping it's head up and messing up the moment. For my journey can be compared too a movie that came out some time ago. it's called 'Once Were Warriors', it's a film based on a novel about the Maori of New Zealand. let me warn you right off the bat, it's not a movie for the faint of heart! too me it's a reflection of my life growing up on an Indian reservation right here in North America, in a small place by the Ottawa River that we call Kanesatake. I was born into a community that resembles the film i'm speaking about simply because it's a common experience for indigenous peoples the world over. i'm not saying this to justify any side of any argument, but i simply want to let you know where i've been in my life and how or why it's affected me so. i hope you can make it through the film as it's deeply disturbing and filled with violence and profanity and many disturbing scenes... much like my childhood! so there you have the past.
for the present moment right now... i'm enjoying a peace and serenity inside myself that i never thought i would have... it's something i've been working on for quite sometime and boy does it feel good! like maybe ten years now i've been delving deep into my innards and ferreting out all the behaviors and beliefs that just don't suit me anymore. healing is an arduous journey that is soooooooo worth the effort. for me it's meant shedding a persona that never suited me, the rebellious angry, never ever weak Mohawk man who doesn't give a sh*t about anyone or anything but himself.
so now i bask in the warmth of the knowledge that i can fully and completely embrace the joyous, kind and generous person that i know is me... the real me... but life is what it is and sometimes we fall backwards and other times we fall forwards and we bounce around in between where we are and where we've come from or where we want to be.
on to the future! everyday i work at stepping out of the bounds of my comfort zone and motivate myself to be more creative and less worrisome and happier than i was yesterday... it's a process and i'm committed to it.
so from the little kid inside of me to all of you out there...
NEVER EVER GIVE UP! NEVER EVER SURRENDER! TWOO WUV is there for the making and in spite of my fears and occasional hesitations that is what i set my sights on. a future filled with the joy of helping others find a way back to their heart and soul and making the best of what life throws at us... so i bid you peace and send you lots of love because you are made of that shiny beautiful stuff
PS - to find out more about the film i'm talking about here is the Wikipedia link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Once_Were_Warriors
so i'm coming from some place... that past scenario that sometimes keeps popping it's head up and messing up the moment. For my journey can be compared too a movie that came out some time ago. it's called 'Once Were Warriors', it's a film based on a novel about the Maori of New Zealand. let me warn you right off the bat, it's not a movie for the faint of heart! too me it's a reflection of my life growing up on an Indian reservation right here in North America, in a small place by the Ottawa River that we call Kanesatake. I was born into a community that resembles the film i'm speaking about simply because it's a common experience for indigenous peoples the world over. i'm not saying this to justify any side of any argument, but i simply want to let you know where i've been in my life and how or why it's affected me so. i hope you can make it through the film as it's deeply disturbing and filled with violence and profanity and many disturbing scenes... much like my childhood! so there you have the past.
for the present moment right now... i'm enjoying a peace and serenity inside myself that i never thought i would have... it's something i've been working on for quite sometime and boy does it feel good! like maybe ten years now i've been delving deep into my innards and ferreting out all the behaviors and beliefs that just don't suit me anymore. healing is an arduous journey that is soooooooo worth the effort. for me it's meant shedding a persona that never suited me, the rebellious angry, never ever weak Mohawk man who doesn't give a sh*t about anyone or anything but himself.
so now i bask in the warmth of the knowledge that i can fully and completely embrace the joyous, kind and generous person that i know is me... the real me... but life is what it is and sometimes we fall backwards and other times we fall forwards and we bounce around in between where we are and where we've come from or where we want to be.
on to the future! everyday i work at stepping out of the bounds of my comfort zone and motivate myself to be more creative and less worrisome and happier than i was yesterday... it's a process and i'm committed to it.
so from the little kid inside of me to all of you out there...
NEVER EVER GIVE UP! NEVER EVER SURRENDER! TWOO WUV is there for the making and in spite of my fears and occasional hesitations that is what i set my sights on. a future filled with the joy of helping others find a way back to their heart and soul and making the best of what life throws at us... so i bid you peace and send you lots of love because you are made of that shiny beautiful stuff
PS - to find out more about the film i'm talking about here is the Wikipedia link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Once_Were_Warriors
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