a few steps...

back to apples

2010-03-05T07:43:00.000-08:00

so i'm going back to work at the orchard! Yay it may help me get too the things I really want to do

mmmmmmmmmission

2010-03-02T07:41:00.001-08:00

i'm a man on a mission

overloaded

2010-03-01T11:09:00.000-08:00

my head feels heavy and full of cotton
my heart feels stuffed and overloaded
i thought i knew where i was headed
now i feel dead-ended
so i just wait and see how the rest of the day unfolds

i believe

2010-03-01T07:48:00.000-08:00

i believe in magic
i believe in love
i believe in direct communication
i believe in believing
i believe in you
i believe in me
i believe in being human
i believe in freedom
i believe in god/dess
i believe in honesty

but, i still have a hard time in believing in me
go figure

insight

2010-02-27T06:41:00.000-08:00

everything we know we learned from someone else
at some time or other we begin to question what we've learned
it's at that time we look within to find out if it's true
and then we either choose to stay the same or change
it's the circle of life's lessons

it's what i'm committed too
it's a process that has up's and down's
i don't have all my answers yet
and maybe i never will (in this life)
but it's the searching and seeking for those answers that keeps me going
that and the hope that i'll be able to share the little bits
i've found to be true

i'm not perfect and i'm not trying to be
i'm learning each and everyday
and i see myself reflected in you
for we are all interconnected
in this web of life

maybe where i'm at isn't where you want me to be
but i have to honor what i know to be true
in spite of all my defects of character
my imperfections of execution
my struggles within myself

i just never imagined that all of you would be along for the ride
just saying is all

eureka

2010-02-26T06:53:00.000-08:00

so i had a soft and quiet
eureka moment
last night
i was re-reading sylvia brownes book on "Prophecy"

and a line stood out from all the rest...

it went something like this;

"the answers you seek come from within you"

i know alot of you have been telling me exactly that

that i am enough

so with gratitude

i thank you for all your support
i hope and pray that you find
blessings, strength and courage from within

blah

2010-02-25T15:19:00.001-08:00

blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

tears in my eyes

2010-02-25T07:11:00.000-08:00

so here i am
loving the life of others
seeing the beauty in their joy
relishing the journey of
feeling
human
vulnerable
scared
and the sacred

to all life everywhere
THANK YOU FOR BEING!

errrr...

2010-02-24T08:21:00.000-08:00

so i just want to be loved as is
maybe that's too much to dream about
or maybe it's not enough
i feel like i'm speaking to a void
maybe i'm not
you might see me different than you
i know that to be untrue
for we all have the power to be
anything we see
so i just want you to know
that i love you so

fresh feet and feeling better sort of

2010-02-23T15:38:00.000-08:00

so today my very best friend
fixed my feet and my soul too
you see she's a nurse
upgrading her skill set
to include health care for the feet
i volunteered to be her guinea pig and was treated
to a very rewarding foot care session
in fact i had two lovely women caring over my feet
that is heaven!
i'm still feeling out of sorts with myself...
i had a chance at a great friendship and maybe more
with a certain mythological maiden
with whom i felt a great feeling
but i f***ed it up and now i feel that maybe i've lost her forever
so i don't know what to do
i apologized as best i could
since i've never really learned the art fo communicating affection
i remain a lost and lonely soul
i wish she would give me another chance
i just don't know what to do
enough said

struggling with emotion

2010-02-20T08:27:00.000-08:00

so i'm struggling with feelings of;
depression
hesitation
worry
lust
love
futility
loneliness
judgment
procrastination
not feeling worthy
feeling like a jerk
asshole
stupid freak
dumb ass
and a whole lot of guilt

so just had to get that out of my system...
time to reboot
and format a new hard disk
and install a new OS

yes to a new day

2010-02-20T06:17:00.000-08:00

Yay it's snowing outside, my brother is visiting from Alberta and I'm hopeful for a new day!

peace and love

postcard exchange

2010-02-19T07:51:00.000-08:00

I'm still working on my postcards.. they are coming soon. two are done and more are in the making

eric

thank you and you

2010-02-19T05:03:00.000-08:00

My best friends mom passed away the other night. She may have already been gone so it seems, the machines were keeping her body alive but there was no one home. Thank you for your well wishes and prayers.

what and who i am & why

2010-02-17T03:33:00.000-08:00

i just want to put this out there...
in case you're wondering...
i grew up like most people i meet, not believing in god/goddess
because of the abuse that was heaped on all of us by the church.

certainly growing up on an indian reservation also contributed to these feelings, we were put through the grinder in the residential school system and now we just oppress ourselves, it's just a fact! (if you want to learn more about residential schools go here http://www.ahf.ca/ )

so anyways i sometimes write about prayer and sign my emails with god bless or some version there of...

i went through a deep spiritual crisis back in 1999 and it prompted me to really take a look at myself from the inside out, what i had been seeking at the time was so-called Native or Indigenous Spirituality, what i had found at the time was sorely lacking in real and substantial help. I was completely lost for a very long time. Then i was given a book by Sylvia Browne (http://www.sylvia.org) and by TESTING and APPLYING the things she talks about my life changed dramatically...

we are all apart of this great beautiful shining being that some call god/goddess and all we need to do is establish a relationship on our terms and invite the beauty and love that they are into our lives and things change...

sometimes dramatically and sometimes slowly!

i'm not trying to convert you in any way and i didn't believe right away, it just grew into a relationship that i based on experience and knowledge and that i rely on now to guide me each day. it took me several years just to say the word god in my own head! but now i'm not afraid to say god or goddess out load, because they have proven time and time again, to me anyways that if you want change just ask for specific intervention and wait for the answers with an open heart and mind...

i'm still skeptical and i require proof and when i ask for it i get it...

if it's just a delusion then i think more of us should be deluded

peace love and bless you in all ways
eric

prayers welcomed and appreciated

2010-02-16T03:33:00.000-08:00

My best friends mother is in the hospital and she isn't expected to make it for very long. Her name is Monique Richer, and I would appreciate any prayers and good energy you could send her way. Thank you

Update: She is in a medically induced coma and it's wait and see for now
Thank you for your support

eric

absitinance

2010-02-15T15:19:00.000-08:00

so i'm gonna put the old whine bag away...
i'm pretty sure all of you just don't care about the things i whine about
so there you go...
and off i go...
have a great night

(muah) to all you sweet and delicious wymyn out there
love you always
eric

Olympics

2010-02-15T13:55:00.000-08:00

I support the athlete's
BUT the media coverage SUCKS BIGTIME!
ok ranting and raving over

ain't nothing wrong

2010-02-15T07:25:00.000-08:00

so I just want to say it out load...

there ain't nothing wrong with being gay!

I'm not gay, (for those who may be wondering) but i do from time to time get these big crushes on women who are lesbians. I may not know right away that they are but you sure as hell can count on them letting you know right away that they are.

So freaking what!

It's the ones who hide behind a false sense of morality and say that being gay is unnatural and whatever... i'm fed up of those kind of people being in positions where they can impose their agenda's on all of us! I'm talking about religious leaders, politicians, celebrities who hide behind a facade of heterosexuality and who are secretly gay, lesbian, bisexual or transsexual. Enough with the BS and lets change the world!

So there I said it and feel much better.. oh and i will continue to Love anyone who is lovable regardless of how they may receive it!

oh and note to self 'Drink less coffee' and easy does it because you're craving nicotine... sigh... big breath in... exhale... relax and live.

:)

big breath

2010-02-15T04:52:00.000-08:00

big sigh ...

breath in ... breath out

Yeah for me

2010-02-14T15:19:00.000-08:00

ok so this is 24 hours smoke free! Yeah for me!
I AM BECOMING A NON-SMOKER ONE DAY AT A TIME!
Yay for me
:)

so this is it

2010-02-14T06:32:00.000-08:00

so i think i figured a few things out
it's what i'm gonna go forward with

i'm not fooling anyone except myself
i'm especially hard on me
i know people see me in another light,
something that i don't see in myself... let alone believe in completely

so this is growth
making lemonade
clearing the smoke and getting rid of the mirrors

it's been a long road so far and i have yet to take a single step towards the future
i wish to live
maybe that's not true entirely

i have been taking little tentative. baby steps
one forward.. maybe two back...
i'll get there
i'm the only one fooling myself
so i'm gonna work on turning that around

thanks for stopping by and for all your indirect and help and affirmation
peace and love to you all
eric

a little secret from days gone by

2010-02-12T14:43:00.000-08:00

so this is to just let it out...
i used to hate, and I MEAN HATE!!!
Valentine's Day.
It's probably nothing new, but for me it was significant

i never really got many Valentines and when i gave some out it usually meant getting laughed at and ridiculed.

i could blame it on the dysfunction of the community i grew up in...

my family for not being overly affectionate...

or just any other lame excuse.

i chose LOVE as my "Word for the Year", (this is the first time i mention it)
so hating is out and loving is in...
i know what love is
and how love feels
sort of...
does pets loving you count?
does loving nature count?
does loving a thing count?

i guess it does...
so Happy Valentines Day
and i hope and pray that you feel loved,
and that we can keep it going beyond just one day.

new growth

2010-02-12T09:14:00.000-08:00

Yay! new growth, my house plants are thriving!

Yay for me i can grow house plants (it's the little things that make me happy)

this is how i see it

2010-02-12T06:50:00.003-08:00

most of the time we are lead to believe
that the very first moments, days, weeks...
of a new relationship is what love is about

those times where you never have enough of your partner
not enough kisses, hugs and deep gazing
not enough sex, sex and more sex
not enough time to be with the other

this to me is the time of infatuation
this time passes
this time is highly addictive
this time is always followed
by a depression

when that, i must be with him/her
all the time,
joined at the hip,
adolescent, hand in hand and locked at the lips
time comes to an end

that is when most relationships fail

fail because we expect the high to continue
fail because we just didn't get enough
fail because the fairy tale ended

this is where i believe
that love grows
like a sapling that slowly
spreads it's arms wide
up towards the stars
while the roots dig deeper
into the earth
and becomes the might oak

this is where love becomes
grand and golden and enduring
this is where our hearts grow stronger
and our souls shine brighter
this is where our smiles grow wider

this is my dream
this is my faith
this is my hope
this is my wish

for this time together
we will hold onto the love
and let infatuation slip away
to be replaced
by something
deeper
meaningful
completely
utterly
mysteriously
grand and golden,

sweet lover of mine
would you be my valentine
to cherish
to share with
to get bare with
oh sweet lover of mine
be my loving valentine

so i feel like i need a time out

2010-02-11T06:22:00.000-08:00

i feel like i'm not being true
to me or to you
so i'm taking a time out
to try and figure myself out

do i want lust or love
both can grand and divine
do i want to be loving or loved
it's just i feel wrapped in twine

so i'll leave things be
for some time to be me
and work on the things
i know to be true

i love me and i love you
but for right now it's seems to be confused
sometimes when i sleep
i don't breath right
and i wake up with a start
beating too fast oh my aching heart

so i say onto you
please don't be blue
i'll be there and i'll be true
so that we can enjoy the view

sigh...

2010-02-09T15:24:00.000-08:00

so where are you oh sweet woman divine?

is your heart beating?

or am i just fleeting?

thoughts passing through the sea...

like the wake of a boat passing?

oh please sweet woman divine,

tell me may i come for tea?

shall i just walk to the horizon,

and jump off the edge,

to float away in empty space

sweet woman divine

oh sweet woman divine

is it time?

love is...

2010-02-09T05:01:00.000-08:00

love is ...
spreading your wings and leaping off the cliff
typing from the heart no matter what
baking for someone
for the giving
that way deep down strength that sees you through
your soul
indestructible
indescribable
delicious
accepting
shining smiling faces
flowers, butterflies and fireflies
rolling in the hay
being licked by a cow
a cat's meow
rescuing the princess and taming the dragon (i love dragons, and they should never be killed)
on the otherhand... ogres, orcs and trolls can taste my steel (hihihi)
a force of it's own
hugging a tree and feeling them breathe
the smell of spring
hope, mixed with courage and a dollop of certainty
a dog wagging not just their tail but the whole back end
for me, watch me wag...

your timing is off

2010-02-08T09:44:00.000-08:00

if i had ten cents for every-time i was told that old lame ass excuse... i'd have a dollar ten in my pocket. i'd rather be told straight out that i'm just not attractive anymore or i'm not the one for you than to be told a lame excuse for

"i'm not interested"...

seems to me that it's just about impossible to find someone to partner up with who measures up to the standards of today. i firmly believe that alot of women miss out on having a truly great guy in their life just because the yardstick that they hold him up against just doesn't have anything to do with reality, but does have everything to do with the fantasy man of their dreams...

that's not to say that i don't have the same fantasies and that i don't dream of that one special woman who be with me 'as i am', i just try and keep the yardstick short and my expectations real.

so with that said i keep the dream alive and i hope that there's a lady out there who really wants a man as a friend first, a lover second and defender of love at all times...

i would be that knight in shining armor, should you be willing to be my fair damsel in a dress

i'm still dreaming of...

2010-02-06T13:10:00.000-08:00

a small house
a garden with everything in it
a sweet love to share it with
a harley pedalson built for two
a dreamy love story with happy times
a double sized bath tub, pour deux
a passport full of stamps
a wardrobe full of color
a simple kiss
and lots of hugs, cuddles and sultry silences

sigh, it's a simple dream
one i hold dear in my heart
everyday would be valentines

i dream of ...

2010-02-06T12:54:00.000-08:00

a lovely mermaid
so sweet a sight
waking in her arms
would be my delight

so strong her eyes
speak of might
proudly teaching
the world alright

so sweet she is
that i feel the light
shining her heart
so sweet the sight

my tears roll
down my cheeks
today
for i am here
and you are there

so sweet the thought
that you might
consider me the one
to light

a burning desire
to see you
smile at me
in that morning light

Montreal Walk About and the Theatre

2010-02-06T09:21:00.000-08:00

Hi,
I spent all day Friday in Montreal here are some views;

on my way to missing my bus into town. i did get a ride to the train by a good friend who is always out and about.

way too cool... a harley pedalson!

walls made in the 1700 or 1800's, i wonder how long it took to build?

everyone is a Saint in Montreal!

a view from the Old Port of Montreal

side street art...

and i went to see a play here:

http://www.centaurtheatre.com/michelandtijean.html

it was a great show and i had lots of fun...
(oops the postings are all over the place)

just one word

2010-02-06T07:35:00.000-08:00

The idea is to answer each Q with ONE word.
Your Cell Phone? virgin
Your Hair? short
Your Mother? intellectual
Your Father? quiet
Your Favorite Food? any
Your Dream Last Night? cinemagraphic
Your Favorite Drink? water
Your Dream/Goal? peace
What Room Are You In? hallway?!
Your Hobby? computer
Your Fear? alone
Where Do You See Yourself In 6 Years? married
Where Were You Last Night? bed
Something That You Aren't? female
Muffins? yummy
Wish List Item? guitar
Where Did You Grow Up? reservation
Last Thing You Did? breakfast
What Are You Wearing? clothes
Your TV? none
Your Pets? cats
Friends? few
Your Life? paranormal
Your Mood? even
Missing Someone? mermaid
Vehicle? nope
Something You Aren't Wearing? watch
Your Favorite Store? indigo
Your Favorite Color? green
When Was The Last Time You Laughed? friday
Last Time You Cried? friday
Your Best Friend? MJ
One Place You Go To Over And Over Again? bathroom
Facebook? sometimes
Favorite Place To Eat? table

urban adventures

2010-02-04T04:44:00.000-08:00

off to the big city... second time this week. going to see a play tonight. i'll be dawdling around Montreal all day and i'll try and get some worthy pictures.
have a great day

wow.. just love it

2010-02-03T08:11:00.000-08:00

Hi,
i just looked at the clock and it's 11:11 am ...
this means for me that i'm right on track!
Woohoo!
so for today it's my very tardy postings of Creative Assignments 2010
(for more info go to : http://dancingmermaid.com/blog/)

for Assignment #1 - get a notebook for creative assignments

this is my orange binder where i keep my list of assignments
yes i'm totally sucking up to the teacher :)

Assignment #2 - make a list of creative idea's
here's selections from my list

- add more color to my wardrobe (in progress)
- write poetry
- add color to my home
- read, read, read... all kinds of book, articles, etc.
- explore digital art
- blog more often
- make a wall of affirmation (i have lots of empty wallspace)
- practice handwriting (as in re-educate myself)
- explore vegetarian cuisine
- get a guitar (had one once, now i have just an empty guitar stand)

Assignment #3 - hang something pretty

Assignment #4 - swing for three minutes
it was minus 20 degrees Celsius, in Fahrenheit that very freaking cold!

Assignment #5 - schedule play time
i play with my kitties everyday
and computer time for me is playtime
i also have one computer game that i still play it's called SpaceColony,
it's like the Sims but it's in Space (i like to build stuff in space)

Assignment #6
if i were a brave boy i would step way out of my comfort zone each day

Assignment #7 - what is one tiny step you can take towards being brave
i believe doing this is one tiny step

Assignment #8 - make something with as much color as possible
... in progress ...

Assignment #9 make crayon cupcakes
oops sorry i don't have any

Assignment #10 - what is your blog mission
my blog mission (for now) is to share my creative life as well as some of the things that go through my mind... so that i feel less cluttered inside. the name of my blog reflects my belief that we come from somewhere and we go back to somewhere and that we take "a few steps" towards that place everyday :)

Assignment #11 - remember a moment that felt really magical to you, post a photo of it with no words of explanation

Assignment #12 - what small things brings you so much joy?
- homemade pizza
- finding new friends
- making stuff
- flowers
- purring
- holding hands
- smiles
- sucre a la creme

Assignment #13 - ask someone something you really want to know but have been to shy to ask?
what's your phone number and may i call you?

Assignment #14 - take a small step out of your comfort zone
... in progress ...

Assignment #15 - what saves you?

Assignment #16 - give a small anonymous gift to someone
... in progress ...

Assignment #17 - make a table arrangement out of things you find in nature
maybe i'll pass on this one... it's winter here and not much to choose from but maybe i will try and find something

Assignment #18 - breathe
i meditate on my breathing everyday and i also am becoming a non-smoker, on step at a time

Assignment #19 - 24 - do something you have been avoiding this week
.. still working on avoiding this one... but i will soon...

Assignment #25 - what thing are you afraid of losing?
self control and personal identity, top my list

Assignment #26 - share some music with someone
i did

Assignment #27 - make a slide show or video with stuff that makes you happy
... in progress... stay tuned

Assignment #28 - dare to dream your dream even bigger. no, that's not big enough. get out of your comfort zone and feel awkward. now what do you see?

- i see a world where love and compassion are the first responses humanity employs in crisis situations regarding health of mind, body and spirit.

- i see a beautiful magical mystical woman walking beside me and creating beauty and magic in this sometimes dark little world

- i see an age of humanity that will truly be considered civilized

- i see free energy systems and universal health care, intervention therapies, more happiness and political accountability, social justice for all, peace on earth enforced by a coalition of nations that put peace and harmony ahead of profit from war

- i see people making a stand for all life everywhere and making sure that we succeed in bringing ourselves out of depression

- i see more love than hate, more help than indifference, more understanding than judgment, more wealth than poverty, more health than illness, more belief than grief

- i see you and me, together for love life and happiness

is she still there

2010-01-31T05:30:00.000-08:00

he's been wondering what is going on.. inside, deep down. he proclaimed his love and willingness to commit and then everything seemed to fall apart. maybe it's because of his past and has nothing to do with her. it seems to him to be a one way street... like a telepathic version of twitter, only she hears him and he knows nothing of her and what she sends him. it's not something he consciously chose but you can understand that he may feel a little vulnerable because, he doesn't believe everything that goes through his own head.

so he has his doubts that she is still there... maybe it's all a fraud, just meant to lure him in, like a fish on a hook. he certainly hopes that she is sincere as his gut tells him she is... but can she handle him? can he handle her? why does these relationships have to be so complicated? is it not enough that he has already pledged his allegiance to her? 'we are starlight' came from a deep place. down inside his gut, a voice that for him always speaks the truth... he's waited so long that to rush into something he doesn't understand yet would be foolish to him.

he carries his scars, in mind and body and spirit. the healing comes and he feels whole again. so blessedly whole again. it was really unexpected, that his prayers would be answered, it's been a long way home. from despair to hope, from wishing to die to wanting to live, from aloneness to being ok with lonely...

does she really see his heart? all shredded and torn apart, now patched and sewn back together again by a hand that was not his but hers and everyone else who lets the messiness be.

he just wants her to know that he's still here, and will continue to let the light shine out.. like starlight shining so bright, that the darkness is cast away as if it never existed.

love you

full moon blahs

2010-01-31T05:08:00.000-08:00

so now i figured out my moodiness
it's the full moon again
i always get a little emotional just before and during the full moon
it's my cycle
and yes ladies, men do have their cycle too
so either i'm an angry bear
or a blubbering idiot
today the idiot showed up

what? where? when?

2010-01-27T09:45:00.000-08:00

this is to bring you up to speed on where i am coming from, what i've been doing and when am i going to move on... maybe this sounds a little cryptic, oh well it's my blog!

so i'm coming from some place... that past scenario that sometimes keeps popping it's head up and messing up the moment. For my journey can be compared too a movie that came out some time ago. it's called 'Once Were Warriors', it's a film based on a novel about the Maori of New Zealand. let me warn you right off the bat, it's not a movie for the faint of heart! too me it's a reflection of my life growing up on an Indian reservation right here in North America, in a small place by the Ottawa River that we call Kanesatake. I was born into a community that resembles the film i'm speaking about simply because it's a common experience for indigenous peoples the world over. i'm not saying this to justify any side of any argument, but i simply want to let you know where i've been in my life and how or why it's affected me so. i hope you can make it through the film as it's deeply disturbing and filled with violence and profanity and many disturbing scenes... much like my childhood! so there you have the past.

for the present moment right now... i'm enjoying a peace and serenity inside myself that i never thought i would have... it's something i've been working on for quite sometime and boy does it feel good! like maybe ten years now i've been delving deep into my innards and ferreting out all the behaviors and beliefs that just don't suit me anymore. healing is an arduous journey that is soooooooo worth the effort. for me it's meant shedding a persona that never suited me, the rebellious angry, never ever weak Mohawk man who doesn't give a sh*t about anyone or anything but himself.

so now i bask in the warmth of the knowledge that i can fully and completely embrace the joyous, kind and generous person that i know is me... the real me... but life is what it is and sometimes we fall backwards and other times we fall forwards and we bounce around in between where we are and where we've come from or where we want to be.

on to the future! everyday i work at stepping out of the bounds of my comfort zone and motivate myself to be more creative and less worrisome and happier than i was yesterday... it's a process and i'm committed to it.

so from the little kid inside of me to all of you out there...

NEVER EVER GIVE UP! NEVER EVER SURRENDER! TWOO WUV is there for the making and in spite of my fears and occasional hesitations that is what i set my sights on. a future filled with the joy of helping others find a way back to their heart and soul and making the best of what life throws at us... so i bid you peace and send you lots of love because you are made of that shiny beautiful stuff

PS - to find out more about the film i'm talking about here is the Wikipedia link:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Once_Were_Warriors

ummmm...grrrrr... arrggghhhh... oh well

2009-12-14T08:09:00.000-08:00

So this is the feelings of late!
Ummmmmmmmmmmm...
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr...
Arrrgggggggggggghhhhhhhhhh...

and finally Oh Well, F... it!

So that about sums up my feelings to date. It's not all that bad, just that ego guy inside, all riled up about changes and the past and the future... I just want to shut him up sometimes. So there you have my inner turmoil.

It'll pass as it always does... that's what is called growth I guess!
Pleased to meet you I'm all f...ed up and How are you?

peace out
eric

some words that ran through my mind and wanted out...

2009-12-11T08:58:00.000-08:00

It is what it is
life throws a lot your way
you can roll with it
or you can let it roll you
and there's just one thing
that makes everything all right

you have the choice
to stare it down
to live it up
you have the choice
to make it right
because in the end
it's only you
that's gonna have
to live with how you feel

there's only you
to see me through
there's only me
to be set free
there's only love
that comes from above

oh see me through
any time it's blue
oh see me through
when I can't see you
oh see me through
until I know it's you

sweet love oh sweet sweet love
see me through
oh see me through
sweet love
coming from above
oh see me through
'till i'm back there with you
oh see me through
oh see me through

see me through
a night so blue
see me through
I cry with you
see me through
to die me too
oh see me through
the skies so blue
oh see me through
a sigh so true

see me through
this life so few
see me through
i'll fly with you

just see me through
your eyes

it's true

just see me through
oh see me through